Novak Djokovic denied entry to Riverland after failing to dispose of fruit at Yamba Quarantine Station

Tennis world champion Novak Djokovic has once again fallen on hard times, after failing to dispose of a bag of oranges at the Yamba Quarantine Station. The world number 1 was set to defend his title at the upcoming Australian Open, hosted at the Cobdogla Tennis Courts, but is instead being deported from the Riverland region.

Djokovic’s entry into the region with his bag of oranges had been preapproved by the Cobdogla council, but the Riverland Border Force is claiming that his entry documentation is not sufficient. While his legal team prepares to challenge this decision in court, Djokovic will be forced into quarantine at the Berri Hotel.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

5 Surprisingly simple hacks Australians can use to beat the heat this summer

An Australian summer is a force to be reckoned with, where temperatures can reach up to a thong melting 50 degrees Celsius. Such temperatures can pose a threat to our wellbeing, with heatstroke and sunburn being a common cause of sickness and hospitalisation during the season.

We at the Riverlanderer care about our readers, and so we went and scoured the country’s experts for unique and unheard of tips on how to beat the heat. Here we list our top 5 that we discovered.

  1. Wear a hat

Starting off our list is the lovable hat. Yes. You heard right. Hats are best known for being stylish and make great additions to an outfit. But did you know that they also have another use? Hats can actually protect you from getting sunburnt on your face and neck. The way this works is that the material that makes up the hat blocks the UV light from hitting your skin. Who knew being hip could also protect you from sunburn?!

2. Keep your car sunshade on at all times

Next on our list is using a car sun shade! Trying to drive while the sun is in your eyes is not just torture, but it’s also dangerous. With intense sunlight blocking your vision you are at risk of having an accident. That’s why UV expert Sunin Mayise uses her car sun shade to block incoming sunlight that obscures her vision while driving.

“I just put the shade up on my windscreen and off I go” said Sunin. “It really keeps out the light so I can look at my phone more easily whilst cruising along. An added bonus is the reduced heat keeps my beer colder too”.

3. Stand in the shade

Yes. That’s right! The shade is essentially an area where the sun is not allowed to shine due to legal reasons. By standing in one of these areas, the sun is not legally allowed to shine on you which give you a chance to cool off before resuming work or leisure activities. Australia, despite having some of the hottest places on the planet, has a fantastic legal department, allowing us over 2000 different shaded areas.

4. Build up sun immunity

If you’re one of those people who like to be prepared then this tip is for you! By exposing yourself to the sun, or other hot objects, everyday leading up to summer, you’ll build up sun immunity. By badly burning yourself numerous times before the weather turns harsh you’ll build up natural protection against the sun’s summer rays. People will look at you in awe as you stand for hours on end out in the harsh summer sun with no pain because you’ve burned away all your nerve endings! Scorching!

5. Don’t add some coolant to your beverages

There’s nothing like a nice cool glass of water after working in the heat. But did you know that water evaporates when it gets hot? That’s why we have to keep drinking it constantly because the sun makes it evaporate from our bodies. This is not a very efficient system. Luckily, we aren’t the only ones, where cars experience this problem too, and lots has been done to prevent automotive overheating. Car coolants have been around for decades, with much better heat absorption and tolerance. Unfortunately this technology is not compatible with people. By adding portions of car coolant to your beverages*, you can increase the fluid retention in your body and stay hydrated for longer, with the only downside being an almost guaranteed death! Who knew??

So there you go! Some little known summer hacks to beat the heat! Let us know if you already knew about them and have used them before. Or better yet, tell us your favourite summer hack that isn’t on this list!

Stay safe this summer and merry Christmas from the Riverlanderer!

*The Riverlanderer’s legal team has advised us that ingesting coolant is poisonous and potentially lethal and we do not endorse the consumption of car coolant. Nor do we endorse an individual burning themselves to gain ”sun immunity” Nor do we endorse driving with a sun shade on your windscreen.

Right-handed people ‘90% more likely’ to catch covid – new study shows

Results from a shocking new study have been released today by the CSIRO’s infectious disease department, revealing insights into COVID-19’s infecting process. The study shows that right-handed people are 90% more likely to catch the virus over those who are left-handed.

The data doesn’t lie, right-handed people are much more susceptible to catching the virus.

“This is possibly some of the most groundbreaking research we’ve ever seen into COVID-19’s infectiousness.”

“With this new data we are able to completely change our plan to beat COVID-19,” head researcher Dr Smith said.

“We have found the key to beating the virus, and it’s as simple as being left-handed. With 10% of the population already being left-handed, all we need to do is simply train the other 90% to become left-handed. It’s amazing, and we’re already looking into applying this research to other diseases and finding similar results. We know now that being left-handed offers a huge protection against serious illnesses, we just have to work out why that is the case.”

Plans are already underway to implement the new COVID-19 strategy, with existing vaccination centres being converted into training centres to convert right-handed people into left-handed. The federal government has also stated that proof of left-handedness will eventually be required to enter certain types of businesses, although this won’t be in effect until early 2022.

“When 90% of the population is left-handed, we will firmly have the upper hand on the virus, and can begin to return to normal,” health minister Greg Hunt said.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

New “sizzling” evidence puts police back on BBQ Bandit trail

The BBQ bandit is a notorious Riverland criminal, best known for their heinous crimes against BBQ’s, where they would use a BBQ and deliberately leave it filthy. Police were hot on the tail of this criminal mastermind before the trail went suspiciously cold a few months ago, resulting in them losing all hope of uncovering the bandit’s identity.

However, yesterday, Sergeant Patty Noe-Cook announced that new evidence had shed light on the case, where she revealed that the BBQ bandit had struck again after months in hiding.

A summary of her public statement:

“We are aware of another BBQ crime that occurred around 4 am yesterday morning. However, this attack was unlike any other we have seen before and it was clear that the BBQ bandit had been planning this for months. Upon examining the crime scene, we found what was left of a native Australian carp on the BBQ. The charred nature of the carp corpse made it clear that this crime was personal and we believe that the BBQ bandit was protesting the talk of a new law to further restrict the poaching of carp. We believe the BBQ bandit is a carp poacher which gives us some strong leads to follow”.

The video to Sergeant Cook’s full statement can be found here:

With the day of the “Native Australian Carp Protection Law” fast approaching, it is likely that the BBQ bandit will become more active in the community again. There are even talks of stationing police around parliament house during the voting to ensure safety.

The Riverlanderer will post updates as they come.

Berri residents ‘afraid to leave the house’ as pack of wild dogs terrorises the town

The bustling town of Berri has come to a halt this week. A town so full of life has been reduced to desolate and lonely streets. The reason? An unruly pack of savage canines, patrolling the streets and attacking those who dare to leave their houses. Authorities are still investigating where the pack of dogs has come from, and claim they don’t currently have the resources to stop them.

“We don’t know where they came from, but their numbers are growing.”

“It appears that the original group has been recruiting local dogs to their pack,” police spokesperson Kay Nina said.

“We’ve attempted to use the K-9 units, but that just resulted in our law enforcement dogs joining the wild pack ,which only exacerbated the issue. So while we work on investigating the group more and forming a plan to stop them, we ask that residents remain at home to avoid being attacked.”

With the police and council currently unable to stop the dogs, residents are growing frustrated. Local mother (who wishes to remain anonymous), claims she has been hounding the council about the issue, but they won’t listen.

“It’s time for the council to step in and do something. The dogs have worked out what times we leave the house and wait outside every day. We can’t even leave the house, let alone walk our kids to school.”

The Berri council claims they are working with police to put together a plan of attack, but still need a few more weeks to assemble the resources.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Berri council enforces Rememberance Day ‘minute of silence’ with 1 hour of no power

Rememberance Day: The day where we reflect and remember those who sacrificed and served in the war. Traditionally in Australia, we participate in a minute of silence, starting at 11:00 am. The Berri council however, has taken a different approach this year, cutting off the entire town’s power supply for an hour.

“A single minute is not enough.”

“To those who served in the war, and to those who sacrificed their lives for our country, we owe them more than a singular minute.” a Berri council spokesperson said.

“We’ve taken the initiative to enforce a 1 hour of no electricity throughout the township of Berri. From 11:00 am until noon, no one will have access to electricity. We want everyone in this town to use this hour for reflection and rememberance. This means no iPhones or Xbox computer games, just quiet contemplation for the entire hour.”

The Berri council has stated that they’ve made plans for a ’24-hour no power’ day of rememberance for 2022.

Barmera residents ‘furious’, as council continues to refuse to drain the lake

Barmera residents have once again taken to the streets in protest, as the council has made the statement today that they still have ‘no current plans’ to drain Lake Bonney. This statement has caused outrage amongst the townspeople, many of whom say the lake is ‘unsightly’, and ‘scaring off tourists’.

“It’s an eyesore, nobody here likes it.”

Life long Barmera resident Lay Khader claims the lake has been a continual burden of the town.

“It’s disgusting, really. We’ve got this beautiful bustling tourist town, and then right next to it is this giant nasty body of water. You can smell the stench of dead fish emanating from it from miles away. I can’t even count how many tourists have passed on Barmera because of it. If something about it isn’t done soon, I worry that Barmera will be no more.”

With the council having a lot to answer for, we spoke to a Barmera council spokesperson on their reasoning behind the controversial decision.

“It’s not as easy as they think. We simply don’t have the equipment to displace that amount of water, and even if we did, where would we put it? Then on top of that you have the environmental issues to deal with. Since the lake is home to many native and endangered species, such as the native Australian carp, we’re forbidden from simply removing the entire lake. At this point there’s really nothing we can do about it unfortunately.”

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Loxton public toilet upgrade; TVs and canteen included in the $2m renovations

The Loxton Council has today announced it’s final plans for the renovations of the outdated main street public toilets. With the goal of creating ‘the public toilets of the future’, the council has invested a hefty $2,000,000 into the project. The council has promised TVs, a canteen with dine-in options, and even a fully licensed bar for special occasions.

“It really is a necessary change, and I would even go as far to say the future of Loxton depends on it.”

“When we look at some of the other Riverland towns, they are already implementing changes to modernise them and move them towards the future,” Loxton mayor said.

“There is a sense of urgency to progress Loxton, lest we end up stagnant and decaying like Barmera. Our goal, our ambition, is for when people think ‘public toilet’, they think ‘Loxton’. Berri has the Big Orange, Monash has the playground, Loxton will have the public toilets.”

When asked how the project will be funded, the council stated the money will eventually be made back through hiring out the venue for private functions. A spokesperson for the Loxton council explained:

“We will be eventually offering the venue for hire for private functions. With a capacity of 50 people, it’s the perfect venue for family events, gatherings, weddings, or anything else you can think of. It will be fully licensed and a wide range of locally produced wines will be on offer, so it’s the perfect place to bring out-of-town visitors and introduce them to the region.”

The renovations will commence early October and will be completed early 2022.

‘Palm trees behind sheds’ the #1 fire hazard in the Riverland, top fire chief says

Every day the fire danger season looms closer and closer, and changes are needing to be made to ensure a safe and fire-free summer. With the growing threat of fires, the Riverland Fire Chief Bernie Palmer has provided some safety tips to residents of the region, including a surprising hazard that not many people are aware of.

“Palm trees behind sheds are the number 1 cause of residential fires.”

“It really is a hidden hazard that not many people are aware of,” said Fire Chief Bernie Palmer.

“If you’ve got a shed, check behind it for hidden palms, and while you’re there, look over the fence and check your neighbour’s sheds, in case they have any hidden palms they may not have noticed. Prevention is the key, and removing those hazardous palms is the top priority.”

The Fire Chief has stated that mandatory home and shed inspections will be conducted throughout the fire danger season to check for and remove fire hazards.

New Berri pet store delayed as exotic animal ownership laws tighten

There may be delays with the opening of Berri’s new pet store, a council spokesperson claims, after SA’s new laws on exotic animal ownership comes into effect. The new laws require a 3-month training course to receive the necessary license to sell or own exotic animals as pets.

While originally boasting a large variety of animals for sale, the owner is now concerned that their stock may be too limited to attract customers.

“We’ve had to make significant changes. 95% of what we had planned we now have to cancel,” said owner Leon King.

“We’ve had to return all our stock of exotic animals. The monkeys, tarantulas, and even the turkeys have to be shipped back to China. The store is basically empty now. How are we supposed to attract customers selling boring animals like cats and dogs? That’s not what the people of the Riverland want for pets.”

Despite this setback, owner Leon King is committed to going ahead with the opening of the store, with it expecting to open later this year.