Our Lady of the River kicks off Easter celebration with sacrifice to the River Lady

“O lady of the river, take this sacrifice to the watery depths, and spare us from your wrath.”

The Easter weekend is upon us, and while most Riverlanders are celebrating with chocolate eggs, this small Church in Berri has a rather unique way of starting the holiday.

“It is a sacred tradition that dates back to the 1950’s.”

“While our church was built on the foundation of appeasing the River Lady, it wasn’t until the devastating flood of 1956 where we realised her true power.” Head Priest Walter Monza said.

“After seeing the damage that our region sustained from the floodwater, we knew something drastic had to be done, and so we began the annual tradition of delivering sacrifices into the Murray River to ward off the River Lady’s wrath.” Priest Walter continued.

But who exactly is the River Lady?

The church believes the River Lady to be a powerful entity that lives beneath the Murray River, controlling the flow of water. This ‘River Lady’ must also be given offerings, generally human or animal sacrifices, in order to prevent her from creating rising water levels and flooding the land.

“While we don’t fully understand her or her motives, we do know that since we began the tradition of feeding her, she has not unleashed her wrath to the degree of the 1956 flood, and because of that we know what we are doing is working.” Priest Walter said.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Police asking for public assistance after iconic Big Orange stolen overnight

Berri residents are in shock after an overnight heist has resulted in the town’s famous Big Orange landmark being illegally removed, and its current whereabouts being unknown. Weighing in at an impressive 15 tonnes and with a height of 15 meters, moving the structure is no easy feat, and SA Police are currently investigating at the scene to better narrow down how exactly it was stolen.

The site of The Big Orange after it was stolen.

“This was not a spontaneous theft. This was a extremely thought-out and choreographed operation.”

“Our top priority right now is working out how exactly it was removed. Once we have confirmed that we can start to track down where it was taken.” SA Police spokesperson Sgt. Biggs said.

“It is possible that the thieves loaded the orange onto the back of a truck and drove away with it, and we are currently searching the area for suspicious tire imprints in the dirt.”

“We are urging members of the public to come forward if they’ve seen or they know anything regarding the theft of The Big Orange.”

The Berri Council is yet to make a statement regarding the theft.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Riverland residents growing concerned after 2022 brings record number of grape spills on the roads

‘Dangerous’ and ‘preventable’; Those are the two words that a majority of Riverland residents have been using in the past few weeks when describing the numerous spillages of grapes across our busy roads. With the busy harvest season here, farmers are looking to maximise profits, and as a consequence trucks are being overfilled and insufficiently secured, resulting in spillages around every corner.

“It is completely preventable.”

“This should not be happening, especially not at this frequency and severity.” Head of the Greater Riverland Area Produce Experts, Mark Spiller said.

“We’ve noticed in recent years a sharp increase in grape spillages, it’s at the point now where the council’s inaction to resolve this issue is going to cause serious road accidents. We need to address this issue now, and swiftly implement an alternative system of transporting produce, these dangerous trucks are not a long-term solution.”

Many concerned local residents have suggested the idea of a rail network as a safe and more efficient alternative, but the local councils are yet to respond regarding the idea.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Berri Primary School adds forklift licence lessons to 2022 curriculum after receiving PM’s approval

Berri Primary School has anounced today their plans to introduce new forklift licence lessons for the 2022 curriculum, after Prime Minister Scott Morrison lowered the national forklift licence age to 12. With the change approved through parliament, it’s expected that most Riverland schools will follow suit.

The forklift license lessons will begin as early as 2nd grade, where the basic concepts of forklift operation and safety will be taught, but students will have to wait until 6th grade before they are allowed to operate one, with the school hoping that all students will move onto 7th grade with a full forklift license.

With funding help from the Berri council, the school has obtained a total of three forklifts, and is converting part of the oval into a simulated forklift environment, where students will be able to practice standard forklift operations safely.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Novak Djokovic denied entry to Riverland after failing to dispose of fruit at Yamba Quarantine Station

Tennis world champion Novak Djokovic has once again fallen on hard times, after failing to dispose of a bag of oranges at the Yamba Quarantine Station. The world number 1 was set to defend his title at the upcoming Australian Open, hosted at the Cobdogla Tennis Courts, but is instead being deported from the Riverland region.

Djokovic’s entry into the region with his bag of oranges had been preapproved by the Cobdogla council, but the Riverland Border Force is claiming that his entry documentation is not sufficient. While his legal team prepares to challenge this decision in court, Djokovic will be forced into quarantine at the Berri Hotel.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

5 Surprisingly simple hacks Australians can use to beat the heat this summer

An Australian summer is a force to be reckoned with, where temperatures can reach up to a thong melting 50 degrees Celsius. Such temperatures can pose a threat to our wellbeing, with heatstroke and sunburn being a common cause of sickness and hospitalisation during the season.

We at the Riverlanderer care about our readers, and so we went and scoured the country’s experts for unique and unheard of tips on how to beat the heat. Here we list our top 5 that we discovered.

  1. Wear a hat

Starting off our list is the lovable hat. Yes. You heard right. Hats are best known for being stylish and make great additions to an outfit. But did you know that they also have another use? Hats can actually protect you from getting sunburnt on your face and neck. The way this works is that the material that makes up the hat blocks the UV light from hitting your skin. Who knew being hip could also protect you from sunburn?!

2. Keep your car sunshade on at all times

Next on our list is using a car sun shade! Trying to drive while the sun is in your eyes is not just torture, but it’s also dangerous. With intense sunlight blocking your vision you are at risk of having an accident. That’s why UV expert Sunin Mayise uses her car sun shade to block incoming sunlight that obscures her vision while driving.

“I just put the shade up on my windscreen and off I go” said Sunin. “It really keeps out the light so I can look at my phone more easily whilst cruising along. An added bonus is the reduced heat keeps my beer colder too”.

3. Stand in the shade

Yes. That’s right! The shade is essentially an area where the sun is not allowed to shine due to legal reasons. By standing in one of these areas, the sun is not legally allowed to shine on you which give you a chance to cool off before resuming work or leisure activities. Australia, despite having some of the hottest places on the planet, has a fantastic legal department, allowing us over 2000 different shaded areas.

4. Build up sun immunity

If you’re one of those people who like to be prepared then this tip is for you! By exposing yourself to the sun, or other hot objects, everyday leading up to summer, you’ll build up sun immunity. By badly burning yourself numerous times before the weather turns harsh you’ll build up natural protection against the sun’s summer rays. People will look at you in awe as you stand for hours on end out in the harsh summer sun with no pain because you’ve burned away all your nerve endings! Scorching!

5. Don’t add some coolant to your beverages

There’s nothing like a nice cool glass of water after working in the heat. But did you know that water evaporates when it gets hot? That’s why we have to keep drinking it constantly because the sun makes it evaporate from our bodies. This is not a very efficient system. Luckily, we aren’t the only ones, where cars experience this problem too, and lots has been done to prevent automotive overheating. Car coolants have been around for decades, with much better heat absorption and tolerance. Unfortunately this technology is not compatible with people. By adding portions of car coolant to your beverages*, you can increase the fluid retention in your body and stay hydrated for longer, with the only downside being an almost guaranteed death! Who knew??

So there you go! Some little known summer hacks to beat the heat! Let us know if you already knew about them and have used them before. Or better yet, tell us your favourite summer hack that isn’t on this list!

Stay safe this summer and merry Christmas from the Riverlanderer!

*The Riverlanderer’s legal team has advised us that ingesting coolant is poisonous and potentially lethal and we do not endorse the consumption of car coolant. Nor do we endorse an individual burning themselves to gain ”sun immunity” Nor do we endorse driving with a sun shade on your windscreen.

Right-handed people ‘90% more likely’ to catch covid – new study shows

Results from a shocking new study have been released today by the CSIRO’s infectious disease department, revealing insights into COVID-19’s infecting process. The study shows that right-handed people are 90% more likely to catch the virus over those who are left-handed.

The data doesn’t lie, right-handed people are much more susceptible to catching the virus.

“This is possibly some of the most groundbreaking research we’ve ever seen into COVID-19’s infectiousness.”

“With this new data we are able to completely change our plan to beat COVID-19,” head researcher Dr Smith said.

“We have found the key to beating the virus, and it’s as simple as being left-handed. With 10% of the population already being left-handed, all we need to do is simply train the other 90% to become left-handed. It’s amazing, and we’re already looking into applying this research to other diseases and finding similar results. We know now that being left-handed offers a huge protection against serious illnesses, we just have to work out why that is the case.”

Plans are already underway to implement the new COVID-19 strategy, with existing vaccination centres being converted into training centres to convert right-handed people into left-handed. The federal government has also stated that proof of left-handedness will eventually be required to enter certain types of businesses, although this won’t be in effect until early 2022.

“When 90% of the population is left-handed, we will firmly have the upper hand on the virus, and can begin to return to normal,” health minister Greg Hunt said.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

New “sizzling” evidence puts police back on BBQ Bandit trail

The BBQ bandit is a notorious Riverland criminal, best known for their heinous crimes against BBQ’s, where they would use a BBQ and deliberately leave it filthy. Police were hot on the tail of this criminal mastermind before the trail went suspiciously cold a few months ago, resulting in them losing all hope of uncovering the bandit’s identity.

However, yesterday, Sergeant Patty Noe-Cook announced that new evidence had shed light on the case, where she revealed that the BBQ bandit had struck again after months in hiding.

A summary of her public statement:

“We are aware of another BBQ crime that occurred around 4 am yesterday morning. However, this attack was unlike any other we have seen before and it was clear that the BBQ bandit had been planning this for months. Upon examining the crime scene, we found what was left of a native Australian carp on the BBQ. The charred nature of the carp corpse made it clear that this crime was personal and we believe that the BBQ bandit was protesting the talk of a new law to further restrict the poaching of carp. We believe the BBQ bandit is a carp poacher which gives us some strong leads to follow”.

The video to Sergeant Cook’s full statement can be found here:

With the day of the “Native Australian Carp Protection Law” fast approaching, it is likely that the BBQ bandit will become more active in the community again. There are even talks of stationing police around parliament house during the voting to ensure safety.

The Riverlanderer will post updates as they come.

Berri residents ‘afraid to leave the house’ as pack of wild dogs terrorises the town

The bustling town of Berri has come to a halt this week. A town so full of life has been reduced to desolate and lonely streets. The reason? An unruly pack of savage canines, patrolling the streets and attacking those who dare to leave their houses. Authorities are still investigating where the pack of dogs has come from, and claim they don’t currently have the resources to stop them.

“We don’t know where they came from, but their numbers are growing.”

“It appears that the original group has been recruiting local dogs to their pack,” police spokesperson Kay Nina said.

“We’ve attempted to use the K-9 units, but that just resulted in our law enforcement dogs joining the wild pack ,which only exacerbated the issue. So while we work on investigating the group more and forming a plan to stop them, we ask that residents remain at home to avoid being attacked.”

With the police and council currently unable to stop the dogs, residents are growing frustrated. Local mother (who wishes to remain anonymous), claims she has been hounding the council about the issue, but they won’t listen.

“It’s time for the council to step in and do something. The dogs have worked out what times we leave the house and wait outside every day. We can’t even leave the house, let alone walk our kids to school.”

The Berri council claims they are working with police to put together a plan of attack, but still need a few more weeks to assemble the resources.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Berri council enforces Rememberance Day ‘minute of silence’ with 1 hour of no power

Rememberance Day: The day where we reflect and remember those who sacrificed and served in the war. Traditionally in Australia, we participate in a minute of silence, starting at 11:00 am. The Berri council however, has taken a different approach this year, cutting off the entire town’s power supply for an hour.

“A single minute is not enough.”

“To those who served in the war, and to those who sacrificed their lives for our country, we owe them more than a singular minute.” a Berri council spokesperson said.

“We’ve taken the initiative to enforce a 1 hour of no electricity throughout the township of Berri. From 11:00 am until noon, no one will have access to electricity. We want everyone in this town to use this hour for reflection and rememberance. This means no iPhones or Xbox computer games, just quiet contemplation for the entire hour.”

The Berri council has stated that they’ve made plans for a ’24-hour no power’ day of rememberance for 2022.