Strong link between ‘vehicles or animals’ as profile pictures, and not understanding satire, a new study reveals

Dr Jo King and her assistant study various profile pictures.

A stunning report from the CSIRO has been released today, giving some insights into social science regarding Facebook users.

“A user with a profile picture that features not themselves, but rather a vehicle or an animal, is up to 80% more likely to not understand satire.”

“It’s been a phenomenon for a while, and I’m sure many have already noticed this,” said Dr Jo King, head of the study. “The people that don’t use a personal picture, and instead opt for their car, truck, bike, or their pet, are for some reason unable to process the idea of satire.”

Satire is a type of parodical art, where the writer uses humour to ridicule or make fun of a particular topic. To understand satire, the reader is required to apply a little bit of critical thinking to be able to analyse if the information is legitimate or satirical. It is this element of critical thinking that seems to easily escape those who avoid using a personal profile picture.

“Now that we’ve done this study, our next goal is to work out how it’s connected. What is the link between these profile pictures and lack of critical thinking?” Dr King continued.

“There is still hope for them though. Those with animal pictures have a higher chance of understanding once it’s explained to them, where cars are a lot less likely. A picture of a truck is the worst offender, from our testing we’ve been completely unsuccessful in getting them to understand the concept of satire.

“We haven’t even attempted explaining satire to those who use a picture of a skeleton giving the middle finger or a low resolution jpg of the Australian flag, at that point they’re just too far gone.”

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Student smoking area’s ‘lack of ashtrays’ to blame for last week’s fire at Berri Regional Secondary College

A fire set ablaze a classroom last week at Berri Regional Secondary College, causing over $80,000 in damages. The local fire department was quick to act, and managed to prevent the fire spreading to other buildings. A thorough investigation was immediately started to find out the cause, and the fire investigators believe they have discovered the cause of the fire.

“We’ve discerned that the fire started from the student smoking area, next to the tech room,” Fire Chief Ashley Button stated.

“The fire started from a cigarette butt that wasn’t properly extinguished. Upon further investigation of the student smoking area we learnt that an inadequate number of ashtrays were provided. With the new campus hosting students from grades 7 to 12, there’s a lot more potential smokers, and we need to make sure they have the facilities to safely dispose of their cigarettes,” Fire Chief Ashley Button continued.

The Berri Regional Secondary College’s administration has been notified by the fire department, and a formal warning has been given to them regarding the breach of fire safety code.

The fire safety code regarding student smoking areas at schools states that there must be an adequate open area away from flammable materials and dry vegetation, and enough ashtrays for proper cigarette disposal. The old Glossop High School middle campus met this legal requirement with the smoker’s bench, while the new Berri campus failed to do so. This lack of a proper smoking area and insufficient number of ashtrays led to students not being able to dispose of cigarette butts safely, causing the fire.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Local Tradie discovers music after local radio station decides to play a song between advertisements

A local tradie has made the discovery of a lifetime while working on a job site in Renmark.

James, 28, has discovered music for the first time in his life. After his Makita radio started playing something other than an advertisement for a local business.

James with his Makita DMR108 Radio

“It was quite a shock!” James told us. “I was talking along with the advertisements as usual, I know them all off by heart, I also regularly visit these places just to get autographs and to talk about their commercials.”

This all changed on a Monday afternoon just after smoko, when the radio started playing something completely different to anything James had ever heard.

“It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard” James exclaimed. “All of us all sat around the Makita radio for a few minutes listening to this new discovery, I had to share this with the world, I could make a lot of money from this, the bitcoins Joe Rogan told me to buy aren’t going too well at the moment.”

From then on, the music that James had discovered came on a few times everyday between the hours of advertisements for local businesses, halting work on the site for a few minutes at a time.

“I sometimes wonder if there are other songs out there? It’s the same song everyday, multiple times a day. Still, it’s incredible, I want it played at my funeral.” James said.

The only song James hears on his Makita Radio tuned to a local radio station is “Toxic x Pony Remix by ALTÉGO”

Millions of pets to suffer as local psychic predicts the death of rural veterinary clinics

It is no secret that most people like to try and save a buck or two. But when you live in a place like the Riverland, supporting local businesses is extremely important to keep the community thriving, despite needing to pay a little more.

Many people would understand the need for the marginally higher costs of a local business in a rural area, but apparently that number is not enough! World renowned psychic, Krystal Bawl, spoke to us at the Riverlanderer and filled us in on her ominous vision…

“I saw the closure of all Riverland vet clinics due to lack of support from the community”, said Krystal. “Local forum posts were rife with people complaining about the prices of the local clinics”.

She added after, “people are well within their right to do business with whoever they choose, but spreading hate to other people and running the local clinic’s through the mud for having higher prices is just plain wrong”.

While many are sceptical of Krystal’s astral power, we want to emphasise the legitimacy of her abilities. We checked the popular Facebook group, “The Riverland Forum”, and sure enough there were numerous posts complaining about local vet prices, just as she had foreseen.

Those with common sense would ask the question as to why someone would get a pet without researching the costs that come with them and then complain about said prices. However, apparently that sense isn’t as common as most would assume.

The even bigger question is…what is everyone going to do when the local clinics become underfunded? If they close down, how far will people have to drive to stop their pet choking on a ball or have its stomach pumped after eating a block of chocolate?

We hope these questions don’t have to be answered, and that Krystals premonition does not come true…

Lake Bonney bridge finally complete after 98 years of construction

By Callum Regan

Barmera’s Lake Bonney has always been synonymous with the township and the citizens who reside in the houses that lay beneath the paddock sized puddle.
Atop that puddle, has always stood an unfinished bridge, in which the locals decided to label as a “jetty”.

As of today, like an absurdly overdue phone bill, the construction of the bridge has finally paid off; children and their elderly counterparts can now walk to the other side instead of miraculously tumbling off during those hot summer holidays.

Aerial view of the newly completed bridge (below this piece of text, I hope)

Riverland Council spokesperson Mr Lottawood has this to say:

“The reason the construction was delayed a number of times was due to lack of funding, however, installing the lights not too long ago helped attract investors from the RGB community. I can’t thank them enough for what they have done for us.”

The long bridge will also attract a new wave of fisherman looking to catch the highest quality fish that school in the centre of the lake, but I don’t think it’s for their dinner or the bragging rights!
In a conversation with a local fisherman, he confessed that it is for a photo opportunity that would be uploaded to Tinder! What a catch!
Yes, I meant the man.

Due to time constraints, I was unable to cross the entire bridge. If you think walking from the pub to Pitstop is a tough walk, this one will give you a real challenge. However, there are no dims sims on the other side of this voyage.

More to come with time.

The Small Town with Big Plans

Local Correspondent Pattrick Huber breaking ground with Chief Journalist Lance Charles.

One of the countries finest property developers Large River Property, has decided to announce their latest development prospect.

“We saw the success of Jane Eliza estate in the friendly town of Renmark and have chosen a similar approach” mentioned by the company’s spokesperson, Oscar Achilleas.

When questioned about their proposed location Mr Achilleas said “Our research shows that The Riverland’s wealthiest individuals really like to build their dream homes on sinking swampland below the flood line, it would be our honour to help them make their dreams a reality! The Cobdogla Swamplands have been completely under utilised, this area has significant potential to become prime real estate.” 

Current Planning for the Latest Property bundles in Cobdogla

The plans show that there is plenty of opportunity to secure a plot during the first stage. As the location is conveniently opposite Bruno Bay, latter stages will include the construction of a marina and further land development. This will provide Cobdogla with the much needed revamp that is well overdue.

Some of the locals displayed their concerns “I like our aging population, they keep the noise down, not too sure about the young and reckless moving next door…” Although most locals have welcomed the idea with open arms “This could be the revamp that all the empty store fronts needed, very exciting!” 

Subject to Council Approval. The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops. 

Cosi impersonator claims “not a big deal”, after caught dumping trailer-load of old car batteries and tyres in the Murray River

You may have seen him on television or online, ‘South Aussie with Cosi’ has been exploring the region for the last ten years, although now he is in the spotlight for a completely different reason. On Sunday 22nd of June, an Andrew ‘Cosi’ Costello impersonator was caught dumping a trailer-load of old car batteries and used tyres into the Murray River.

Maya Cameron was at the river while it happened, discretely capturing the scene on film.

“I was sitting down at the river by myself when I saw a car with a trailer pull up near the river. They started to back up the trailer towards the water, and the trailer was full of car batteries, tyres, and other scrap metal. I saw a man step out of the car and look around, luckily he didn’t see me. He had sunglasses on but I could tell it was someone that looks like Cosi, his car even had a ‘South Aussie with Cosi’ logo on the side. I quickly started recording on my phone as he emptied the entire trailer into the river,” Miss Cameron stated.

This Cosi impersonator was caught red-handed disposing of his rubbish in the river.

Illegal dumping carries a serious fine, as well as criminal charges. However, this Cosi impersonator claims “it’s not a big deal”, and that “everyone does it”.

“People are seriously overreacting to this, it’s really not a big deal. Growing up we would always take family trips to the river to dispose of old junk, I have a lot of fond memories from those times. It’s not like it’s bad for the river either, a lot of the junk turns into a home for the wildlife, yabbies love hiding in old car tyres. It really just is the modern generation looking for things to be offended by,” the Cosi impersonator stated.

SA Police are yet to release a statement on this incident.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Tony Pasin releases EDM track in last-ditch effort to win over young voters

Tony Pasin has surprised his electorate today with the release of a bizarre new music track. Produced by Pasin himself, the short 1-minute track features vocals from Pasin, who is now under the alias of ‘Tony Bassin’. This shocking artistic endeavour comes after devastatingly low polling results for Pasin amongst the younger voters, with this being his attempt to win them over.

‘Tony Bassin’

“I knew something drastic had to be done.”

“The 18 – 24 age group has the lowest vote turnout of any demographic, I had to take advantage of it. Obviously my policies aren’t going to get the votes, so I turned to the one thing that can really speak to the youth; music,” Mr Pasin said.

“Many will remember PM John Howard’s time as a DJ, so this kind of thing runs in the liberal party,” Pasin continued.

With voting day coming up on the 21st of May, Mr Pasin remains hopeful that his foray into dance music will help push him through to victory.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Truck Parks Outside Local Service Station Blocking All Traffic… Becomes a Hero

Journalist Pattrick Huber with the Star Truck.

Passing through Barmera, one of The Riverland’s finest towns, commuters will frequent the convenient service stations located on the national A20 Highway. Locals such as Jack Mehoff have questioned the safety on how some modes of transportation park their vehicles along this stretch of road, “You cannot see oncoming traffic whatsoever, someone must do something!”.

A potentially devastating hazard which many Riverland motorists have to endure.

Interstate truck driver now local hero Trent Ch, who periodically visits the headlining service station decided to take matters into his own hands by parking across the entire entry/exit. We were given the fantastic opportunity to have a chat “On my previous visit, I overheard some nearby residents speaking about safety, in regards to truck parking nearby their local servo. I had to do something!” said Mr Ch. “This is how I will park every time I visit and I encourage my fellow comrades to do the same!”.

A Fantastic Idea from Vigilante Truck Driver Trent Ch.

Statistically, one hundred percent of the time that a truck is parked in the wrong location, it becomes a hazard to motorists who need to see where they are going. Thanks to Mr Ch’s stroke of genius, not a single vehicle can go past, avoiding the area of concern completely!

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Sturt Highway upgrade: Barmera intersection to receive multimillion dollar makeover to improve efficiency

Road works have officially begun. The intersection east of Barmera on the Old Sturt Highway is set to receive a complete makeover, with the SA department of Infrastructure and Transport dedicating a whopping $30m towards the project. The aim of the project is to increase efficiency and make it easier to navigate, as the current intersection has received numerous complaints about the complexity of it.

“The current intersection is far too complicated – it’s a safety hazard.”

“We have to face the facts here, the current intersection is too complex for Riverland drivers to understand,” SA Infastructure and Transport spokesman Roy D Workes claims.

“When you’ve got a T-intersection, that’s already trouble, then you take into account the turning lane that goes towards Monash, and that only results in more chaos and confusion.” Mr Workes continued.

The proposed redesign aims to simplify the current intersection, making it quicker and easier for vehicles to navigate. SA Infrastructure and Transport have released a concept image to show the new design.

‘Simple and efficient’ – The new redesign aims to improve the flow of traffic.

With the work already underway, residents can expect the redesign to be completed by mid-2023.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.