The Riverlanderer

Due to the novel coronavirus pandemic many Australian holidaymakers have been encouraged to seek a venture within their own country. Although international borders have since been reopened, many are still choosing to avoid the large waiting queues at airports. While Australians had to endure lockdowns and closures, naturally, people have begun picking up new hobbies to do during their time at home. Hobbies such as backyard grown lettuce and handcrafting model trains have gained large popularity. Combine the desire to be a tourist in your own hometown and also picking up new hobby’s; the culture of #VanLife had sprung!

After two years behind a steering wheel, travellers are now getting bored of the open road but still enjoy waking up to some of the best views in the world, this is why many are now swapping out their old home on the road for a fresher home on the river.

Trendy lifestyle blogger Iyam Dum quotes in her bestselling book The Modern Hippy “I went to a psychedelic music festival hosted near Wigley Flat along the Murray River last year. Waking up (in a tinny boat) on water the following day was when I had my lightbulb moment.” The life on the river movement has since quickly gained traction and we are now seeing more traffic on our waterways than ever. “While we are absolutely stoked that people are enjoying the open water, we would like to remind everyone that our river locks are only operational at certain times of the day and that this can cause some interesting traffic jams.” boasted lock master Lochlan Meister.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

The highly contagious and devastating ‘foot in mouth disease’ is hastily making it’s way through the parliament house. Experts are warning that this could be the largest outbreak of the disease in Canberra since the 1990’s.

“It is incredibly concerning,” claims Dr Beau Vine.

“We’ve not seen an outbreak like this in the capital since the mid 90’s when PM John Howard told the public he would never ever introduce GST, and now we’re seeing it happen all over again with PM Anthony Albanese claiming last week he wouldn’t reinstate the covid-19 pandemic payments. The foot-in-mouth disease is incredibly devastating and if not dealt with soon, the entire parliament house may need to be culled,” he continued.

Politicians are one of the most vulnerable demographics when it comes to foot-in-mouth disease, and experts are advising the public to be vigilant and keep their distance to avoid catching the disease.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

The Australian economy is currently going through a devastating period. With the cost of living going up, and the cost of raw materials going up, many industries have suffered. However, local farmers are bringing in record profits, as the cost of fruit and vegetables has skyrocketed in recent months. This has led many residents to move towards growing their own vegetables, including those who previously illegally grew marijuana crops. Local councils have called this a ‘smart decision’, however the drug users beg to differ.

“It’s really a difficult time to be a drug user,” states local drug user Clarence Brown-Davis.

“It’s really not fair, these greedy farmers chasing an easy profit have left people like myself with nothing. Every single dealer I’ve been to has switched away from weed to start growing lettuce, I can’t smoke that. When is the council going to step in and do something about this?” he continued.

The local councils have encouraged the change in operations, and have stated that illegal gang related activity has reached an all-time low in the region.

“We’ve seen local gangs move away from illegal activities into legitimate business. SA Police raided a gang house belonging to the motorcycle gang the ‘Renmark Rascals’, and found nothing except hydroponically grown iceberg lettuce. We’re really proud of how our community has come together during these difficult times,” said Renmark council spokesperson Ray Marks.

With the cost of lettuce expected to reach a high of over $20 per head, the council predicts that more and more people will switch away from growing marijuana into the lettuce market.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

A few days ago, the 17th of June, marked an important day for the head of journalism at our local trustworthy news outlet. That day is Lance Charles’ birthday and he decided that this year was an important one as he doesn’t actually know his real age “I just know that I was born on the 17th of June in The Year of The Tiger, so due to it being the year of the Tiger I intended to get a bit groovy.” It is not known how or why Mr Charles hasn’t got an official age or year of birth but it could be to do with his questionable past. There was no comment from him on this matter. 

Lance Charles is often seen as the face of truth and professionalism by many people around the local Riverland area. This all changed last Friday night when he made the call to host a party with a handful of mates he’s made in recent years. “At first I only invited my work colleagues, Jim Heath and Callum Reagan. As you can see it escalated a fair bit from that.” Word quickly spread around the region, coupled with the fact that it was a Friday evening, many folks were interested on a big start to the weekend. 

When asked about whether Mr Charles would like to apologise to his neighbours for the inconvenience caused due to the large attendance of his event, he responded “I’m not sorry for anything I didn’t do, I refuse to apologise for people having a good time and getting on their boogy shoes.” Lance also added “I’m only sorry for lighting up the dance floor with my moves when Tony Bassin made an appearance and played his hit tune.” 

The cost of damage to the surrounding area is still to be determined however it’s likely that most of the damage was localised to Mr Charles’ backyard.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops. 

SA Police in conjunction with PIRSA have made an announcement today, on a new outbreak of an invasive plant. After a weekend operation targeting farm properties, police discovered cannabis plants growing in every single one. SA Police spokesperson Sgt. Biggs explains:

“We located several cannabis plants growing at the first property we searched. At first we were ready to arrest the property owner for cultivation of a controlled substance, until he explained that he never planted them and they had just started growing on their own. We were suspicious at first until our other team on a different property reported the same story. By the end of the operation, every single farm property we searched had reported the same invasive cannabis plants.”

After this unusual discovery SA Police contacted PIRSA to report on it, with PIRSA officials also being stunned by the outcome.

“This is absolutely a first for us. Never have we seen wild cannabis plants growing in such an invasive way. There were even some farms that had the invasive cannabis plants growing in indoor greenhouses, further showing how easily they can spread. Our next course of action is to send teams out to remove the plants to be burnt off. It will be a new challenge for our team, especially with the plant being found in such large quantities, it’s clear that it spreads very easily,” PIRSA member Matthew Warner said.

PIRSA has stated that this operation will need a large team to handle, claiming it’s one of the worst outbreaks of an invasive plant species ever found in the Riverland.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

A stunning report from the CSIRO has been released today, giving some insights into social science regarding Facebook users.

“A user with a profile picture that features not themselves, but rather a vehicle or an animal, is up to 80% more likely to not understand satire.”

“It’s been a phenomenon for a while, and I’m sure many have already noticed this,” said Dr Jo King, head of the study. “The people that don’t use a personal picture, and instead opt for their car, truck, bike, or their pet, are for some reason unable to process the idea of satire.”

Satire is a type of parodical art, where the writer uses humour to ridicule or make fun of a particular topic. To understand satire, the reader is required to apply a little bit of critical thinking to be able to analyse if the information is legitimate or satirical. It is this element of critical thinking that seems to easily escape those who avoid using a personal profile picture.

“Now that we’ve done this study, our next goal is to work out how it’s connected. What is the link between these profile pictures and lack of critical thinking?” Dr King continued.

“There is still hope for them though. Those with animal pictures have a higher chance of understanding once it’s explained to them, where cars are a lot less likely. A picture of a truck is the worst offender, from our testing we’ve been completely unsuccessful in getting them to understand the concept of satire.

“We haven’t even attempted explaining satire to those who use a picture of a skeleton giving the middle finger or a low resolution jpg of the Australian flag, at that point they’re just too far gone.”

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

A fire set ablaze a classroom last week at Berri Regional Secondary College, causing over $80,000 in damages. The local fire department was quick to act, and managed to prevent the fire spreading to other buildings. A thorough investigation was immediately started to find out the cause, and the fire investigators believe they have discovered the cause of the fire.

“We’ve discerned that the fire started from the student smoking area, next to the tech room,” Fire Chief Ashley Button stated.

“The fire started from a cigarette butt that wasn’t properly extinguished. Upon further investigation of the student smoking area we learnt that an inadequate number of ashtrays were provided. With the new campus hosting students from grades 7 to 12, there’s a lot more potential smokers, and we need to make sure they have the facilities to safely dispose of their cigarettes,” Fire Chief Ashley Button continued.

The Berri Regional Secondary College’s administration has been notified by the fire department, and a formal warning has been given to them regarding the breach of fire safety code.

The fire safety code regarding student smoking areas at schools states that there must be an adequate open area away from flammable materials and dry vegetation, and enough ashtrays for proper cigarette disposal. The old Glossop High School middle campus met this legal requirement with the smoker’s bench, while the new Berri campus failed to do so. This lack of a proper smoking area and insufficient number of ashtrays led to students not being able to dispose of cigarette butts safely, causing the fire.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

A local tradie has made the discovery of a lifetime while working on a job site in Renmark.

James, 28, has discovered music for the first time in his life. After his Makita radio started playing something other than an advertisement for a local business.

“It was quite a shock!” James told us. “I was talking along with the advertisements as usual, I know them all off by heart, I also regularly visit these places just to get autographs and to talk about their commercials.”

This all changed on a Monday afternoon just after smoko, when the radio started playing something completely different to anything James had ever heard.

“It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard” James exclaimed. “All of us all sat around the Makita radio for a few minutes listening to this new discovery, I had to share this with the world, I could make a lot of money from this, the bitcoins Joe Rogan told me to buy aren’t going too well at the moment.”

From then on, the music that James had discovered came on a few times everyday between the hours of advertisements for local businesses, halting work on the site for a few minutes at a time.

“I sometimes wonder if there are other songs out there? It’s the same song everyday, multiple times a day. Still, it’s incredible, I want it played at my funeral.” James said.

The only song James hears on his Makita Radio tuned to a local radio station is “Toxic x Pony Remix by ALTÉGO”