Right-handed people ‘90% more likely’ to catch covid – new study shows

Results from a shocking new study have been released today by the CSIRO’s infectious disease department, revealing insights into COVID-19’s infecting process. The study shows that right-handed people are 90% more likely to catch the virus over those who are left-handed.

The data doesn’t lie, right-handed people are much more susceptible to catching the virus.

“This is possibly some of the most groundbreaking research we’ve ever seen into COVID-19’s infectiousness.”

“With this new data we are able to completely change our plan to beat COVID-19,” head researcher Dr Smith said.

“We have found the key to beating the virus, and it’s as simple as being left-handed. With 10% of the population already being left-handed, all we need to do is simply train the other 90% to become left-handed. It’s amazing, and we’re already looking into applying this research to other diseases and finding similar results. We know now that being left-handed offers a huge protection against serious illnesses, we just have to work out why that is the case.”

Plans are already underway to implement the new COVID-19 strategy, with existing vaccination centres being converted into training centres to convert right-handed people into left-handed. The federal government has also stated that proof of left-handedness will eventually be required to enter certain types of businesses, although this won’t be in effect until early 2022.

“When 90% of the population is left-handed, we will firmly have the upper hand on the virus, and can begin to return to normal,” health minister Greg Hunt said.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

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