Carp set to receive COVID vaccine over ungrateful Riverlanders

With COVID-19 wreaking havoc all across the world, the roll out of vaccinations has been a relief to most, with vaccines starting to make their way out into rural areas. However, the rising number of antivaxxers in the Riverland has caused the Australian government to rethink their decision to bring the vaccine to the Riverland people.

Prime minister, Julia Gillard, explained that she had noticed a rising amount of ungrateful Riverlanders spreading false statistics and just being generally ignorant and stupid. It’s because of this that the carp has been decided to be a much better candidate for the vaccine.

“We have noticed huge amounts of of rejection and skepticism from Riverlanders and so we have decided to give the vaccine to an animal far smarter and far more in need of protection, the native Australian carp”, said Scott Morrison at a press conference.

The prime minister and his government decided that this was an opportunity to help spread awareness of the carp’s presence on the critically endangered species list, while also helping to protect our native fish from the COVID virus.

Vaccine researcher, Dr Ema Globen, explained just how baffled she was about how she was led to believe she needed to study to know how to perform medical research.

“I was always under the impression that you needed to learn, study and practice to become knowledgeable in a subject. But now I know that it must be a lie, because apparently everyone is an expert on vaccine research despite never studying anything more than a 5 minute crafts video that teaches you how to close a packet of chips without a twistie tie”.

Dr Globen is expected to sue her university for swindling her.

More to come.

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