Secret Riverland Cult out to silence The Riverlanderer

A group of anonymous users on Facebook have recently appeared with the intent to silence the Riverlands best and most trusted news site, The Riverlanderer.

The group is believed to label themselves as “The Administrators” and have the ability to completely delete entire articles from anywhere on Facebook.

Last week, The Riverlanderers very own Lance Charles had a run in with the cult. While taking his morning walk along the riverfront in Berri, a black van pulled up beside him and a group of people dressed in black hooded robes threw him into the van and took him to a secret location.

Lance Charles captured by The Administrators

“They tied me to a chair in a poorly lit room, they didn’t physically harm me, but they forced me to listen to some really bad jokes which took hours to get to the punchline. This was worse than any physical torture they could have done to me.” Lance Charles said. “They threatened me with more of this torture if I did not stop posting my news articles, which they believe are too factual and are damaging to the community. I strongly believe they have been hired by the mainstream media to silence me and hide the true and factual news from the average Riverland local.”

Lance was sedated and woke up wearing nothing but his underwear and socks infront of The Big Orange. Lance is currently in hiding and is still putting out his truthful and hard-hitting journalism despite the threats.

We hired an independent investigator  to find out more about this cult. He discovered the rough location of their hideout which is a few kilometres north of monash deep in some bushland. At night as he got closer to the hideout laughs could be heard for quite some distance, probably from the bad jokes they find funny. But once The Riverlanderer posts on Facebook the laughter turns to screams and crying. A few hours later the article gets removed off Facebook. The investigator fled out of fear and has since fled the Riverland.

The Riverlanderer has asked Mark Zuckerberg for a comment on how this cult has so much power on Facebook. But he refused to comment stating he’s busy smoking meats and teaching his daughter how to play Civilisation.

We will continue to investigate this cult and notify our readers with more details as it develops.

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