Riverlanders, and South Australians in general, are one of the luckiest areas in the world when it comes to the wrath of COVID-19. With under 750 total cases in SA since it began, you would be right in saying that we have fared pretty well, thanks to the strict but effective restrictions put in place.
But despite the obvious success of these restrictions, some local Riverlanders aren’t happy.
“It has been a tough time for us” said local Winkie Swamp dweller, Muddy Waters. “Every time we walk into a shop or restaurant we have to take 9 seconds to sign in! It’s been hell”.
While other countries have had overflowing hospitals, lockdowns and thousands of deaths, Riverlanders are quick to remind everyone that they have had it the worst with occasional mandatory masks at large events and sometimes having to wave their phone in front of a QR code.
“We don’t have COVID here, so it’s clear that it’s all about control. The government are controlling us. Even though I have complete freedom to literally go pretty much anywhere in Australia and do whatever I want, it’s clear I’m being controlled. And what is up with the banning of plastic straws?? We are being manipulated!”
Other comments from angry Riverlanders, concerned about being tracked by the government, were posted from GPS equipped phones via location tracking social media apps such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Riverland neuroscientist, Dr Con Cushen, believes there is a simple reason that explains this way of thinking.
“Our studies have shown that it simply just takes too much brainpower for some people to understand that these COVID sign ins are preventative in nature and allow for quick and effective isolation of the virus should another outbreak occur”.
We asked Dr Cushen about whether or not he thought the government might be trying to control Australians through the COVID sign in and he responded:
“I’m not exactly sure how the government knowing that I slapped $400 on the pokies at the Renmark pub on a Saturday night after 19 beers is going to allow them to control me, but that’s the conclusion you come to when logic escapes you. I understand that sometimes it’s an inconvenience. But I urge you all to have a think, because until you’ve had outbreaks like the rest of the world, you don’t know the meaning of the word”.
We at the Riverlanderer urge everyone to stay safe this flu season and get their flu manipulati- I mean vaccination.