“Leave covid to me”; Prime Minister Tony Abbott gears up for war on the virus

PM Tony Abbott promises to destroy the virus, no matter the cost.

Ex-Prime Minister Tony Abbott has made an unexpected announcement today, declaring war on the covid-19 virus. This has left many people confused, as he did not elaborate on what exactly he means, and how he plans to destroy it. However, we did manage to catch him for a quick interview to ask him what exactly he has planned.

“It’s a top secret operation, I can’t go into too many details,” Mr Abbott said, as he looked over his shoulder to check for spies. “This virus has gone on for long enough, I’m going to find it and destroy it myself, putting an end to it once and for all.”

It was at this point Mr Abbott ran off into the bush.

The Australian Defence Force has stated that there is ‘no current military operation regarding the coronavirus’, and what Tony Abbott is doing is ‘reckless and unauthorised’, but there is currently nothing they can do to stop him.

“The Australian military does not support the actions of PM Tony Abbott,” said a spokesperson for the ADF. “He often likes to come and visit the base and play army man, but this time he’s taken it too far. We’ve at least managed to swap out his actual gun with a painted NERF gun, so he shouldn’t be able to cause any harm, but he’s still frightening a lot of people with his actions.”

The Riverlanderer will continue to update this story as it develops, (if we can find Mr Abbott again).

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