Reserve Bank pays respect to Queen Elizabeth by flying interest rate raise at half-percent

The passing of Queen Elizabeth II has been a shock to the world. Australia is particularly close to the royal family, and many organisations today will be flying their flags at half-mast as a sign of respect. The Reserve Bank of Australia however, has taken quite a different approach.

“It was the right thing to do,” claimed a RBA board member.

“Out of respect for the Queen, we will be raising interest rates by half a percent, rather than the planned full percent. We know times are tough, and we’d really like to keep increasing the rate by at least 1%, but it’s customary during these times of mourning to raise it by only half a percent,” he continued.

The RBA has stated that this small increase is only a temporary measure, and that next interest rate rise will be significantly higher.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Secret underground party widely advertised to public

If you’ve never heard of secret underground club nights, it’s hardly surprising. Being secret and underground, only a select group of people normally spread the word amongst themselves about such events through whispers in dark alleys, or via coded messages attached to the legs of specially trained carrier pigeons. This, however, is not much good for the organisers of secret events, as secrecy doesn’t bring in the big bucks. A beloved local Riverland DJ & event organiser believes he has found the solution though. ‘Skrillez’ spoke exclusively to The Riverlanderer about his innovative new method of spreading the word about secret underground events.

“Extensive public advertising,” he revealed.

“It’s so simple really, yet nobody before me has thought of it. I’m quite proud of that fact.”

Skrillez, along with his usual group of local DJ friends, has a secret underground party planned for this very weekend. When asked about how it can be regarded as secret or underground when the venue, date, time and pretty much all the details are being vigorously promoted for weeks leading up to the event like literally every other DJ night, Skrillez had this to say:

“Well the thing is, nobody knows about it apart from people who use Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter or Google. Or people who listen to the radio… or people who look at posters and flyers. It’s very hush-hush… very low-key. You just have to be in the know.”

Skrillez is an innovator who smashes through the boundaries of tradition. Up until now, secret underground parties have been held in places like private warehouses or remote properties. This weekend’s event however, is being held in a popular town’s public function centre, right opposite the Riverland’s busiest fast food hub. (Note: The Riverlanderer is not revealing the name of the town in the interest of maintaining the element of secrecy).

“Nobody saw this coming,” said Skrillez.

“After years of planning, my DJs and I will be creating a ‘counter culture’ to the mainstream.”

Although the night will be using the same DJs as non-secret events, playing the same music as non-secret events, and the same group of party-goers are expected to attend who also attend all the non-secret events, Skrillez believes the name of the event alone is enough to generate an atmosphere of mystery and exclusivity. Is everyone really going to buy it though?

“People will believe what I tell them to believe,” said Skrillez with a grin.

For more information, Google ‘Renmark secret underground party’.

Tribute Band Giants Coming to the Riverland

With the emergence of COVID-19 a few years ago, the the music industry took a massive hit. But as the world has slowly gone back to normal, it has risen from the ashes with massive bands going back on tour…and this time the Riverland is on the map!

Tribute band, the ZAP BOYS are heading to the Riverland on Saturday 12th of November to play some of the greatest hits of (we assume) Frank Zappa! These include great tunes such as “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow” and “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”

We managed to get in contact with Frank Zappa via special telephone to ask him for his thoughts on the band!

Jim Heath and Riverlanderer team interviewing Mr Zappa. Image by Lance Charles.

“I think these guys sound amazing and just like Led Zeppelin!”, said Frank. “If I was a Riverlander I would be snapping up a ticket asap”.

We aren’t sure why a tribute band for Mr Zappa’s music would sound like Led Zeppelin but we are sure that the band must be stoked to have the endorsement of the one and only Frank Zappa!

Get in quick while tickets are still on presale!

In other news, prescription glasses have reportedly dropped in quality in the last year leaving many with subpar vision! Luckily for me and my team, our glasses don’t seem to be affected!

The Riverlanderer will update this story as it develops.

Berri Bridge celebrates 25th anniversary with new guided bridge climbing experiences

It’s been 25 years since the iconic Berri Bridge finished construction, connecting the land between Berri and Loxton. While residents have praised the functionality of the bridge, many have also celebrated its beauty, and after receiving many suggestions, the council has finally approved a business to start offering bridge climbs. ‘Berri Bridge Xtreme Climbing Adventures’ will be launching at the start of September, offering different climbing experiences for both locals and tourists.

“We believe we can offer an experience to rival the Sydney Harbour Bridge,” claims head of Berri Bridge Xtreme Climbing Adventures, Bridget West.

“The Sydney Harbour Bridge brings in over 100,000 climbers each year, we think we can match that. This really is a unique opportunity to put Berri on the map. At $115 per climb for the basic package, this will bring in a huge amount of revenue for the town, and locals are welcome too! We’re even offering a 2% discount for any Berri residents who purchase a climbing experience during the opening week,” Bridget continued.

The Berri Council claims this will be a worthwhile investment, and that the initial rates increase for Berri residents will pay off over time as more and more tourists visit the region.

“With a humble rates increase of 30% we can fund what could be the state’s largest tourist attraction,” a Berri Council spokesperson claims.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Trendy Travellers Ditching Vans for Tinnies

Local Correspondant Pattrick Huber with one of the many Tinny Homes travelling through the region.

Due to the novel coronavirus pandemic many Australian holidaymakers have been encouraged to seek a venture within their own country. Although international borders have since been reopened, many are still choosing to avoid the large waiting queues at airports. While Australians had to endure lockdowns and closures, naturally, people have begun picking up new hobbies to do during their time at home. Hobbies such as backyard grown lettuce and handcrafting model trains have gained large popularity. Combine the desire to be a tourist in your own hometown and also picking up new hobby’s; the culture of #VanLife had sprung!

After two years behind a steering wheel, travellers are now getting bored of the open road but still enjoy waking up to some of the best views in the world, this is why many are now swapping out their old home on the road for a fresher home on the river.

Trendy lifestyle blogger Iyam Dum quotes in her bestselling book The Modern Hippy “I went to a psychedelic music festival hosted near Wigley Flat along the Murray River last year. Waking up (in a tinny boat) on water the following day was when I had my lightbulb moment.” The life on the river movement has since quickly gained traction and we are now seeing more traffic on our waterways than ever. “While we are absolutely stoked that people are enjoying the open water, we would like to remind everyone that our river locks are only operational at certain times of the day and that this can cause some interesting traffic jams.” boasted lock master Lochlan Meister.

Traffic chaos at one of the many locks along the Murray River.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Concerns in Canberra as ‘foot-in-mouth’ disease runs rampant in parliament house

The highly contagious and devastating ‘foot in mouth disease’ is hastily making it’s way through the parliament house. Experts are warning that this could be the largest outbreak of the disease in Canberra since the 1990’s.

“It is incredibly concerning,” claims Dr Beau Vine.

“We’ve not seen an outbreak like this in the capital since the mid 90’s when PM John Howard told the public he would never ever introduce GST, and now we’re seeing it happen all over again with PM Anthony Albanese claiming last week he wouldn’t reinstate the covid-19 pandemic payments. The foot-in-mouth disease is incredibly devastating and if not dealt with soon, the entire parliament house may need to be culled,” he continued.

Politicians are one of the most vulnerable demographics when it comes to foot-in-mouth disease, and experts are advising the public to be vigilant and keep their distance to avoid catching the disease.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Overtaking lanes soon to be abolished in SA

The state government of South Australia met last week on the 31st of June to discuss numerous traffic related problems throughout the state. One of the most eventful outcomes of the meeting was the unanimous decision to begin removing overtaking lanes from country highways.

“There’s no point in them being there as anyone going under the speed limit will quickly speed up to prevent being passed on an overtaking lane anyway” said chief traffic officer Dr. Iven Fast. “We are going to replace all overtaking lane areas with prune juice dispensers and caravan friendly parking. All road sign text size will be increased by 40% also.”

We spoke to young motorist, Audrey Williams who was heavily against the idea.

“I think it’s ridiculous! exclaimed Mrs Williams. “I’ve been driving for 96 years, and I’ve always sped up from my usual 60 km/hr to 115 km/hr whenever I hit an overtaking lane! It is my right, I pay my taxes!”

After Mrs Williams had found her teeth again and smoked some iceberg lettuce, she went on to admit the prune juice dispenser sounded quite nice.

The state government has assured everyone the overtaking lanes will not go to waste, where they will be relocated to the Adelaide 500 and Bathurst 1000 to encourage the drivers to go faster.

The Riverlanderer will provide updates on this story as it develops.

“It’s not fair” claim local drug users, as growers move away from marijuana to the more lucrative vegetable market

The Australian economy is currently going through a devastating period. With the cost of living going up, and the cost of raw materials going up, many industries have suffered. However, local farmers are bringing in record profits, as the cost of fruit and vegetables has skyrocketed in recent months. This has led many residents to move towards growing their own vegetables, including those who previously illegally grew marijuana crops. Local councils have called this a ‘smart decision’, however the drug users beg to differ.

“It’s really a difficult time to be a drug user,” states local drug user Clarence Brown-Davis.

“It’s really not fair, these greedy farmers chasing an easy profit have left people like myself with nothing. Every single dealer I’ve been to has switched away from weed to start growing lettuce, I can’t smoke that. When is the council going to step in and do something about this?” he continued.

The local councils have encouraged the change in operations, and have stated that illegal gang related activity has reached an all-time low in the region.

“We’ve seen local gangs move away from illegal activities into legitimate business. SA Police raided a gang house belonging to the motorcycle gang the ‘Renmark Rascals’, and found nothing except hydroponically grown iceberg lettuce. We’re really proud of how our community has come together during these difficult times,” said Renmark council spokesperson Ray Marks.

With the cost of lettuce expected to reach a high of over $20 per head, the council predicts that more and more people will switch away from growing marijuana into the lettuce market.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.

Lance Charles’ Birthday Party Gets Wild During Year of The Tiger

A few days ago, the 17th of June, marked an important day for the head of journalism at our local trustworthy news outlet. That day is Lance Charles’ birthday and he decided that this year was an important one as he doesn’t actually know his real age “I just know that I was born on the 17th of June in The Year of The Tiger, so due to it being the year of the Tiger I intended to get a bit groovy.” It is not known how or why Mr Charles hasn’t got an official age or year of birth but it could be to do with his questionable past. There was no comment from him on this matter. 

Lance Charles is often seen as the face of truth and professionalism by many people around the local Riverland area. This all changed last Friday night when he made the call to host a party with a handful of mates he’s made in recent years. “At first I only invited my work colleagues, Jim Heath and Callum Reagan. As you can see it escalated a fair bit from that.” Word quickly spread around the region, coupled with the fact that it was a Friday evening, many folks were interested on a big start to the weekend. 

When asked about whether Mr Charles would like to apologise to his neighbours for the inconvenience caused due to the large attendance of his event, he responded “I’m not sorry for anything I didn’t do, I refuse to apologise for people having a good time and getting on their boogy shoes.” Lance also added “I’m only sorry for lighting up the dance floor with my moves when Tony Bassin made an appearance and played his hit tune.” 

The cost of damage to the surrounding area is still to be determined however it’s likely that most of the damage was localised to Mr Charles’ backyard.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops. 

Police warn of invasive cannabis plants found growing in Riverland farms

SA Police in conjunction with PIRSA have made an announcement today, on a new outbreak of an invasive plant. After a weekend operation targeting farm properties, police discovered cannabis plants growing in every single one. SA Police spokesperson Sgt. Biggs explains:

“We located several cannabis plants growing at the first property we searched. At first we were ready to arrest the property owner for cultivation of a controlled substance, until he explained that he never planted them and they had just started growing on their own. We were suspicious at first until our other team on a different property reported the same story. By the end of the operation, every single farm property we searched had reported the same invasive cannabis plants.”

After this unusual discovery SA Police contacted PIRSA to report on it, with PIRSA officials also being stunned by the outcome.

“This is absolutely a first for us. Never have we seen wild cannabis plants growing in such an invasive way. There were even some farms that had the invasive cannabis plants growing in indoor greenhouses, further showing how easily they can spread. Our next course of action is to send teams out to remove the plants to be burnt off. It will be a new challenge for our team, especially with the plant being found in such large quantities, it’s clear that it spreads very easily,” PIRSA member Matthew Warner said.

PIRSA has stated that this operation will need a large team to handle, claiming it’s one of the worst outbreaks of an invasive plant species ever found in the Riverland.

The Riverlanderer will update as this story develops.